Yep the blog is back for 2011. I have a few ideas for it that might make it slightly interesting or maybe just a little more interesting than completely dull.
Firstly I wish everybody a very happy 2011 and that even counts for the idiots that enter my life whenever they are not wanted, I honestly hope that even they find happiness and contentment throughout 2011 mostly so that they can bugger off and enjoy it with other people and leave me alone :-)
To the rest I offer a hearty handshake or a comforting hug (or both) and sincerely hope that all the good you do for others is repaid ten times over.
New years resolutions for me are to completely stop any thoughts or urges to go out drinking on a school night (i.e. during the week when I have work the next day.....you knew that didn't you?) I also want to spend more time on the things in my life that give me genuine pleasure which basically means family, cooking and cricket.
So new for the 2011 blog I was going to comment on some of the lighter news stories that have caught my eye giving them my ever imaginative thoughts and of course there will be plenty about my favourite subject..........Fooooooood.
So lets have a look at some of the news that has welcomed us into 2011......
Citizens of Beebe in Arkansas were puzzled and a bit confused when around 3000 blackbirds suddenly dropped out of the sky above their heads. They seem to have put this phenomena down to fireworks that confused and disorientated the birds which roost in the area!
Perhaps the birds should have made camp more to the north east of the state over a city called Fayetteville where amongst other laws dogs may not bark after 6pm and no person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9pm.
Now what is even more spooky about this story is that approximately 100,000 fish were also found dead in a river 125 miles away from Beebe near the city of Ozark. Initially you'd think this was down to some kind of pollutant but all the dead fish were from just one species, the Drum fish and no other species was affected ?!?!
Crazy stuff you'd think but I'm pretty sure I know what happened here.......Aliens, they caused it....Oh no I've thought of something else equally as feasible, the government are just trying to cover it up. The blackbirds were spies intercepting messages from Al Qaeda who were then passing information to the fish who were actually Muslim extremists plotting an attack on the influential folk of mid west USA. They had to be stopped !!!
Peruvian villagers from Chumbivilcas have a novel way of settling old scores and entering the new year free from rivalries and hostilities towards one another....They have a punch up! Men, women and children take part in the "festival" which apparently helps to strengthen ties amongst the villagers. I wonder if there is a rule that prohibits kicking because being in Peru I'd hope that they'd only be permitted to use their "Andes".............TAXXXXXIIIIIIIIIIII.
Porn for the blind - Toronto artist Lisa J Murphy has been using thermoplastics to make a book of raised 3D images of racy pictures in a kind of Braille porn book. What a fantastic concept. Can't wait for the Readers Wives backdoor special Vol.2 to be released.......
Earthquake reported in North Yorkshire, UK 3.6 on the Richter scale....well blow me down! I had a mate who caused bigger tremours after a night out on the real ales.
I'm loving the quotes though but I thought I might make a few up of my own...
"I was so scared. Our stuffed Whippet almost fell off the mantle piece and into t'coal bucket"....Mavis 76, Bishop Monkton.
"The flying Ducks shook off t'wall and almost hit our Jack square on t'head. With his condition that might have killed t'poor bugger"....Ivy 67, Great Thirkleby.
"Eee by gum, he never? Oohh you don't say? Awful int it?"...Percy, 96 (loves Christmas), Hutton Hang.
Now this last story leads me back to the first one and utterly convinces me that my theory about government intervention is correct, this is not conspiracy theory this is factual theory and it's there for all to see.....
So to the story. Well it turns out that a group of sailors aboard the USS Enterprise (the aircraft carrier and not the spaceship used in those real life documentaries featuring Captain Kirk et al) got busy a few times and had the odd party here and there during which some female sailors where filmed pretending to wash each other in the showers.....SHOCK HORROR...."burn the witches" I hear you cry but wait for it, not only that but male sailors were also filmed dressing in drag, simulating masturbation and using anti-gay slurs.
Surely this is just what people get up to when aboard these floating cities for months on end, personally a load of blokes cooped up at sea with a load of other blokes are going to do things that expressly show the other that they are in no way looking to service each others poop decks (for want of a better phrase). Dressing as women and screaming out "Tug me off you queer" are just normal ways of showing such feelings.
As for women pretending to wash each other in a shower.....come on!!?? That's what all women do when naked and crammed into a small space together....they certainly do in my head anyway.
However..................just take a look at the picture that accompanies this story on the Reuters website...do you see what I see ?!?!
Until next time readers xxx :-) xxx
Welcome back :-)
ReplyDelete